Currently I'm dealing with a person that really gets my goat. I'm sure you know the type (though it's different for everyone)... they seem to push all the buttons to annoy, frustrate and anger you. They may have habits or traits that are opposed to you own. They don't take kindly to suggestions or advice...in fact, why would they? This is the type of person who knows everything regardless of the topic, regardless of the context, regardless of their education or anyone else's in the subject being discussed. It's their way or... well, it's really just their way.
If you haven't had the opportunity in your life to cross paths with an individual like this, never fear because it's an almost certainty that at some point you will. And when you do, you too will be faced with the dilemma on how to deal with them. Most importantly how you can deal with them, while retaining your own self worth and respect and staying within the bounds of your beliefs and morals.
First, if it's a situation where you do not have to directly deal with this person (for example on the train or at a party), then DON'T. If this is someone you have no obligation to at all, kindly excuse yourself from the situation. It's not worth your time, energy and stress level to deal with someone of this manner when you don't need to. Trust me.
Second, if it turns out this person IS someone you need to deal with and do not have the option of excusing yourself from (such as a co-worker or a family member) then you're going to need to find a way to do so without detriment to yourself. Chances are this person may not realize (or care) how much distress they are causing you (and possibly others). If you are close to them or feel a particular responsibly to them, you may feel the need to figure out the underlying cause of their behaviors. It might be that they are dealing with some personal issues (such as mental health or substance abuse). However, even if this is the case, you shouldn't martyr yourself to "save" someone who may not actually want to be saved. You cannot change or help anyone who does not have the desire to change or be helped.
In dealing with people that push your buttons it's best to have as limited interactions as possible. When needed, know your limitations and the level of distress you can handle and kindly excuse yourself temporarily from any situations before they reach a boiling point. It's much easier to excuse yourself to use the bathroom (or the like) to cool yourself down that to have to explain why you've verbally or physically assaulted another human being. Remember, we're trying to keep our own morals intact here.
If you are in a situation with a button pusher where excusing yourself is not possible (in a car, etc) then these strategies can prove helpful. Distract yourself with something else. Rather than focusing on the person that is causing you distress, focus on something (anything!) else. One method is to look around the room and find items (visually) in a certain color. Another method could be writing or making lists. Deep breathing is a great way to distract yourself and calm yourself down. Take a deep breathe through your nose and think you yourself "1". Next exhale your breath through your mouth and think "2". Continue this method until you feel necessary.
Despite these methods you still may feel your buttons being pushed. Remember that the only things we can change are ourselves and our actions. We cannot change anyone else. Getting fixated on a person who angers, annoys or stresses us will not change that. Any belief to the contrary is false. At the end of the day we are all free to do whatever we want to do.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
I often find it impossibly difficult to focus. I may have ADD to compound the matter, but I know I'm not alone in my inability to pay attention and stay on task. I'm frequently found making dinner while emptying the dishwasher, corralling children, helping with homework, letting the dog out and conveying directions to my partner on the phone.
Multi-tasking has become more than just a way that people do things; it has become the norm, for myself as well as a good portion of society. And it has it's purpose. And it's place.
But multi-tasking constantly doesn't help anyone's difficulty to focus, especially not mine. How can we expect to focus when we're trying to accomplish multiple tasks simultaneously? The two are diametrically opposed in principle.
Sometimes we need to have the ability to get a vast array of things completed in a short amount of time. Multi-tasking works well for this. But what about when we really need to focus on one particular task, a task that requires detailed attention? Something like a report or a physical task, such as painting trim in a room.
Recently I've begun learning about mindfulness. Mindfulness is a main component in Buddhist meditation, as well as Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and many other practices. Generally, it's about being aware in the moment. One exercise in mindfulness that I have been practicing is picking a task and practicing staying present in doing that task.
For example, if I choose the task of eating I would try to pay attention to eating and only eating. I would really be aware of picking up the food with my utensil, of putting it in my mouth, of chewing it and swallowing it. I would notice the smell of the food and the taste, as well as consistencies and temperatures. I would be fully mindful in the moment of what I was eating.
It's truly surprising if you pause to think about how many other things most of use do while eating. We hold conversations. We watch television. We read books. We surf the internet. We talk on the phone. We text. We drive. I've been practicing this exercise for a few weeks now and it's amazing the difference in my experience eating when I am successful in being mindful. I actually taste my food. And I eat better quality food and less of it.
By practicing mindfulness in this manner, I am better able to access the focus I gain when doing other tasks that require singular attention. Writing reports has become a bit easier in that I can better bring myself back to the task when I am distracted. I can better stay on the task, and just the task, as well.
It's by no means perfect, as nothing is perfect, but it is an improvement. I will continue to practice in hopes that I can further improve my focusing abilities. Don't let the name scare you off, mindfulness is something we've all done at one time or anything. Putting a label on it doesn't change what it is - and that is really being present in the moment. It's seamlessly easy when we're having a "good" time. But with practice we can all gain better control of our abilities to focus on tasks that would likely not fall into the "good" category. And that's all it really comes down to. No one is in control of our lives but ourselves.
Multi-tasking has become more than just a way that people do things; it has become the norm, for myself as well as a good portion of society. And it has it's purpose. And it's place.
But multi-tasking constantly doesn't help anyone's difficulty to focus, especially not mine. How can we expect to focus when we're trying to accomplish multiple tasks simultaneously? The two are diametrically opposed in principle.
Sometimes we need to have the ability to get a vast array of things completed in a short amount of time. Multi-tasking works well for this. But what about when we really need to focus on one particular task, a task that requires detailed attention? Something like a report or a physical task, such as painting trim in a room.
Recently I've begun learning about mindfulness. Mindfulness is a main component in Buddhist meditation, as well as Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and many other practices. Generally, it's about being aware in the moment. One exercise in mindfulness that I have been practicing is picking a task and practicing staying present in doing that task.
For example, if I choose the task of eating I would try to pay attention to eating and only eating. I would really be aware of picking up the food with my utensil, of putting it in my mouth, of chewing it and swallowing it. I would notice the smell of the food and the taste, as well as consistencies and temperatures. I would be fully mindful in the moment of what I was eating.
It's truly surprising if you pause to think about how many other things most of use do while eating. We hold conversations. We watch television. We read books. We surf the internet. We talk on the phone. We text. We drive. I've been practicing this exercise for a few weeks now and it's amazing the difference in my experience eating when I am successful in being mindful. I actually taste my food. And I eat better quality food and less of it.
By practicing mindfulness in this manner, I am better able to access the focus I gain when doing other tasks that require singular attention. Writing reports has become a bit easier in that I can better bring myself back to the task when I am distracted. I can better stay on the task, and just the task, as well.
It's by no means perfect, as nothing is perfect, but it is an improvement. I will continue to practice in hopes that I can further improve my focusing abilities. Don't let the name scare you off, mindfulness is something we've all done at one time or anything. Putting a label on it doesn't change what it is - and that is really being present in the moment. It's seamlessly easy when we're having a "good" time. But with practice we can all gain better control of our abilities to focus on tasks that would likely not fall into the "good" category. And that's all it really comes down to. No one is in control of our lives but ourselves.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Access of Choice
I don't think people wake up one morning and decide not to have any motivation, any goals. I don't think anyone one day thinks to themselves, 'Self, you know what? I'm just not going to try anymore. I'm just going to give up.'
Honestly, giving up is a last ditch option. Yes, you know that person who just never really did anything. But, really? Did they really not ever do anything? Or did there life never present them with that option? With the choice to do something, anything?
I think if we really look at people, more often than not, people merely get stuck in their lack of options rather than actively choosing not to do anything. A child who grows up in a family with parents whose primary concern is obtaining and using drugs never had the experience of anything different. That's not an easy thing to just cast off once they're 18 and on their own. The child who grows up in foster care, being bounced from one house to the next, where they are primarily a "paycheck" and a burden, doesn't suddenly have the experience of feeling secure once they turn 18.
And yet that's what 'society' (and I use that term oh so loosely) expects. That all these people in our world who are homeless or jobless or lacking of a variety of experiences... well, they just don't want it enough. Or they aren't trying. But that's like expecting someone who has never flown a plane or driven a car to just get in one and know how to drive it. And when they don't telling them, 'You just don't want it enough," or "You aren't trying."
People cannot possibly know how to do something they have never done before. Have never even seen before. And yet, that's what we expect people to be able to do. "Just do it." It has nothing to do with not wanting it enough. Or not trying hard enough. It comes down to lack of experience and knowledge. And underlying all that is the issue of self-esteem and self-belief. If your entire life - hell, even part of your life - someone, many people have told you that you are lazy and stupid, etc., eventually you're going to believe it. And that's not even what you are saying to yourself!
We, as society, need to be so much kinder to our fellow human beings. I truly believe that everyone is doing the best they can in the moment with the knowledge and resources they have. It doesn't mean they couldn't do better. It means that, at this very moment, with the information they have on how to do things and what things are available to them, they are making the best choices they can.
However, ending it there gives people an out to just continue to do the same things. And doing the same things (regardless of what they are) over and over is insanity (Theodore Geisel). Resources need to be expanded. Education needs to be expanded. And the knowledge of both of these needs to be expanded. Most people have no idea of the resources in the own community - education institutions and programs, classes, programs for a wide-variety of people. Housing, shelter, heating, etc. resources. And so much more.
I'm going to try and compile a list of various resources that people can access in Massachusetts (and hopefully the rest of the USA, with time) and I challenge everyone to help me. The more people know about what is available to them, they more apt they are to make better choices for themselves.
Honestly, giving up is a last ditch option. Yes, you know that person who just never really did anything. But, really? Did they really not ever do anything? Or did there life never present them with that option? With the choice to do something, anything?
I think if we really look at people, more often than not, people merely get stuck in their lack of options rather than actively choosing not to do anything. A child who grows up in a family with parents whose primary concern is obtaining and using drugs never had the experience of anything different. That's not an easy thing to just cast off once they're 18 and on their own. The child who grows up in foster care, being bounced from one house to the next, where they are primarily a "paycheck" and a burden, doesn't suddenly have the experience of feeling secure once they turn 18.
And yet that's what 'society' (and I use that term oh so loosely) expects. That all these people in our world who are homeless or jobless or lacking of a variety of experiences... well, they just don't want it enough. Or they aren't trying. But that's like expecting someone who has never flown a plane or driven a car to just get in one and know how to drive it. And when they don't telling them, 'You just don't want it enough," or "You aren't trying."
People cannot possibly know how to do something they have never done before. Have never even seen before. And yet, that's what we expect people to be able to do. "Just do it." It has nothing to do with not wanting it enough. Or not trying hard enough. It comes down to lack of experience and knowledge. And underlying all that is the issue of self-esteem and self-belief. If your entire life - hell, even part of your life - someone, many people have told you that you are lazy and stupid, etc., eventually you're going to believe it. And that's not even what you are saying to yourself!
We, as society, need to be so much kinder to our fellow human beings. I truly believe that everyone is doing the best they can in the moment with the knowledge and resources they have. It doesn't mean they couldn't do better. It means that, at this very moment, with the information they have on how to do things and what things are available to them, they are making the best choices they can.
However, ending it there gives people an out to just continue to do the same things. And doing the same things (regardless of what they are) over and over is insanity (Theodore Geisel). Resources need to be expanded. Education needs to be expanded. And the knowledge of both of these needs to be expanded. Most people have no idea of the resources in the own community - education institutions and programs, classes, programs for a wide-variety of people. Housing, shelter, heating, etc. resources. And so much more.
I'm going to try and compile a list of various resources that people can access in Massachusetts (and hopefully the rest of the USA, with time) and I challenge everyone to help me. The more people know about what is available to them, they more apt they are to make better choices for themselves.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
All the small things
I spend enormous amounts of time thinking. Worrying, analyzing, trying to determine all possible outcomes in all possible situations. I often get caught up in all these details, in all the things that could go wrong that I often don't focus on or even notice the little things that go right.
We all do it. We get wrapped up in the big picture, making sure our kids have lunches packed for school and that their homework is finished. Completing the never-ending list of chores: laundry, dishes, meal planning and prep, vacuuming, cleaning, organizing, yard work, more laundry. In assuring that the pets are fed, that holiday presents are bought, that we keep in touch with family and friends and on and on and on... that we sometimes miss out on the little things.
Yesterday, as I stood in the driveway of my friend's house after a particularly long and stressful day, I noticed the stars. You know, the same ones that are there every night. The same ones that most of the time I don't notice or, if I do, I take for granted. For some reason though last night I noticed them. And they were beautiful. And in that moment I felt a sense of wonder. A sense of calm telling me to slow down and look around myself. Because there is beauty right in front of us. I pondered how many times lately I had missed other beautiful, wonderful, amazing things that were right there for me to enjoy.
Later that evening, on my drive home, I noticed movement on the side of the street. On any other day I may have not given it a second thought. A squirrel, a dog, something. But I didn't turn away. Two deer, one full-grown and one much smaller, were about to cross the street. I slowed my speed and they crossed directly in front of my car. The larger one paused for a moment before scurrying off to the other side, the smaller one in tow. Just a moment. Just a moment that I could have very easily missed out on.
Today, throughout my travels, I noticed things that very likely may have previously been there. I saw how crisp and warmly colored the leaves on the trees were. Many branches already bare. I saw how the rain droplets fell on the grass, pooling together into bigger drops. Tiny purple and blue flowers I had written off as being already gone this far into autumn grew along the parking space my car occupied.
So many things. So many little things that go unnoticed daily. And yet they fill me with joy; with pleasure. The old saying "don't sweat the small stuff and it's all small stuff" feels true to me at this moment.
We all do it. We get wrapped up in the big picture, making sure our kids have lunches packed for school and that their homework is finished. Completing the never-ending list of chores: laundry, dishes, meal planning and prep, vacuuming, cleaning, organizing, yard work, more laundry. In assuring that the pets are fed, that holiday presents are bought, that we keep in touch with family and friends and on and on and on... that we sometimes miss out on the little things.
Yesterday, as I stood in the driveway of my friend's house after a particularly long and stressful day, I noticed the stars. You know, the same ones that are there every night. The same ones that most of the time I don't notice or, if I do, I take for granted. For some reason though last night I noticed them. And they were beautiful. And in that moment I felt a sense of wonder. A sense of calm telling me to slow down and look around myself. Because there is beauty right in front of us. I pondered how many times lately I had missed other beautiful, wonderful, amazing things that were right there for me to enjoy.
Later that evening, on my drive home, I noticed movement on the side of the street. On any other day I may have not given it a second thought. A squirrel, a dog, something. But I didn't turn away. Two deer, one full-grown and one much smaller, were about to cross the street. I slowed my speed and they crossed directly in front of my car. The larger one paused for a moment before scurrying off to the other side, the smaller one in tow. Just a moment. Just a moment that I could have very easily missed out on.
Today, throughout my travels, I noticed things that very likely may have previously been there. I saw how crisp and warmly colored the leaves on the trees were. Many branches already bare. I saw how the rain droplets fell on the grass, pooling together into bigger drops. Tiny purple and blue flowers I had written off as being already gone this far into autumn grew along the parking space my car occupied.
So many things. So many little things that go unnoticed daily. And yet they fill me with joy; with pleasure. The old saying "don't sweat the small stuff and it's all small stuff" feels true to me at this moment.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
So I just went through and cleaned house. Deleted 11 old entries -- Scratch that, it was 13 -- And it felt good.
Why? Because I just plain didn't like them. They didn't fit me (or rather who I wish to be) anymore.
Ever look around your house and wish you could redo a room? Change the curtains, make the walls a brighter color, add some decorations you'll never be able to afford? That's the great thing about the internet, you can do that. Don't like the way your blog looks? Don't like the way your entries convey a sense of despair? Well, with one click of a button kids it can all be gone. Switch it around to make it what you want it. Right now. In real time. Try doing that with your room in real life. Not going to happen.
I may not be able to be what or who I want to be in real life. But here on the internet, behind my screen, tapping away at these keys... I can be whomever I wish to be. It's really just that simple.
And who knows, perhaps experimenting with who I want to be here will spill over into the real world. Then again, maybe it won't. Real is just a matter of perception. I didn't say that. Peter on Fringe did. Whomever said it, it's true. And I leave you with that folks. Life is clearly complex...
Why? Because I just plain didn't like them. They didn't fit me (or rather who I wish to be) anymore.
Ever look around your house and wish you could redo a room? Change the curtains, make the walls a brighter color, add some decorations you'll never be able to afford? That's the great thing about the internet, you can do that. Don't like the way your blog looks? Don't like the way your entries convey a sense of despair? Well, with one click of a button kids it can all be gone. Switch it around to make it what you want it. Right now. In real time. Try doing that with your room in real life. Not going to happen.
I may not be able to be what or who I want to be in real life. But here on the internet, behind my screen, tapping away at these keys... I can be whomever I wish to be. It's really just that simple.
And who knows, perhaps experimenting with who I want to be here will spill over into the real world. Then again, maybe it won't. Real is just a matter of perception. I didn't say that. Peter on Fringe did. Whomever said it, it's true. And I leave you with that folks. Life is clearly complex...
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